It’s getting a bit harder to get out of bed and the facade slips every now and again. When I feel like this I try to remember who’s in charge here. You are of course, kick that wayward mind of yours into submission. This is a dark topic – saddness, anger, melancholy, depression. It doesn’t help that the snow continues its relentless descent and the sun has mostly been in hiding since that exhuberant morning a few weeks ago when I wrote about the sunshine making me happy – come back here you bastard!
(As an aside: My feature picture is of Roop the pug ’cause he makes me smile. He looks dignified, stately even. In fact we have a winter coat he wears during his thrice-a-day walks and we call him “Stately” when he’s wearing it. Like in “How about a wee spot of dinner, Stately?” or “Yo Stately, wanna walkies?” )
I’ve been cruising through my recovery trying to be as upbeat and positive as possible, not just for me but for the people around me .. But every now and then I feel the facade slipping a bit and something dark whisps out and hovers in the air around me. Like Pollyanna I tell myself how lucky I am that I don’t need those crutches, put on a happy face, try not to cry and move on.
(As an aside: so sorry and I mean it – but I know you know that there are surely dark times in recovery when everything isn’t a perfect story of fighting and over-coming. Somedays you just want to dwell there and have a little cry to yourself. Doctors and Nurses will tell you this is quite alright in fact periodically necessary to rid yourself of the emotion, unexpressed, yet dragging you down mentally. Express it, just don’t wallow in it. That’s way worse than dwelling. Wallowing is like taking up residence in the darkest, nastiest corner of your psyche and rolling around in it, loving it.)
When I feel sad or melancholy, I usually just get busy with some new project – that’s actually how I began acquiring properties a few years ago and built a successful short term vacation property rental business in Western Canada using airbnb and vrbo – then I had the stroke and I’ve now been selling the properties, simplifying my life and looking for the next great idea. no worries, lots of ideas percolating, I’m just not ready to pull the trigger yet.
This last week I’ve been planning a trip to the Algarve in Portugal with a few friends and family in the Fall. We found and booked a great property yesterday.
(As an aside I’ve tried to avoid disappointment all my life by not letting myself look forward to very much or get too excited about anything in case it is dragged out from under me or swept away. I’m throwing away that old way of thinking and getting excited at planning this fun trip. I Will need to kick it up a notch or two in the gym this summer to get ready for the beach. But I’m not feeling so melancholy anymore)